Adolf Hitler uses "Jew-gon" brand Hydrogen Cyanide!

I don't know if anyone's noticed this, but in DVD stores these days... or at the very least, in the Virgin section of Myer - I haven't checked out any other DVD stores for a while - but the occasional DVD has a little sticker on the cover with a picture of Alan Jones and the caption "Alan Jones recommends" (or a very similar sticker, but with the name and visage of Jackie O instead).

Now, I have manifold, passionate and minutely detailed opinions about this newfound phenomenon, but to begin with I shall be succinct, brief and immediately to the point-

WHO

GIVES

A

FUCK

??????????

I mean honestly, who goes into a DVD shop, or a DVD section of a department store, and says "Gah, so many to choose from, if only I could have some guidance from an unenlightened dickhead celebrity with a brain the size of a male quark's left testicle?". I mean, what irritates me most is that it implies people who shop for DVDs are unable to make up their own minds. But what irritates me more-than-most is the further implication that a movie's merits alone aren't enough to warrant its buying... I mean one of the films emblazoned with one of these icons-of-evil is "E.T. The Extra Terrestrial" and are you seriously telling me that someone is likely to think "Hmm, ET... Sounds like a bit of a dodgy movie, but hey, Jackie O likes it, it MUST be good"

And this isn't something new, obviously; We all know it's been around for years and years, ever since the likes of James Dean et al. strode the planks of stardom and the 'celebrity' age was born, we have been brainwashed with this belief that what's good enough for some famous person is intrinsically, and without any need of evidence, self-testing or independent thought on behalf of a human being, the product to buy. Now admittedly, the average demographic of readers-of-my-blog are slightly more educated than people who would go and buy a tube of "E-Z Melt" glue after hearing Icarus testify that "I never use anything else" *Colgate smile*, so therefore I will bypass the two really obvious getters-of-Sam's-goat, namely the fact that A) It is with only the slightest amoeba of possibility, at best, that any celebrity actually has the foggiest idea which company it was who paid them ten trillion dollars to say "I heartily endorse this e-vent or product", and B) that Alan Jones and Jackie O, as ambassadors, are about as clever as the marketing manager of the Rolf Harris school of wobbleboard and about as effective as a “Quiet Please” sign at a Slipknot concert.

Instead, I will go on to mention the most galling and mind-boggling factor of all – that there are people out there who would actually be swayed by these stickers. I mean, I don’t know this for certain, I haven’t yet heard of people telling our Virgin employees, “Well you know, I’ve never heard of Gone with the Wind, but Alan Jones said it was worth a look if you enjoyed You Got Served. So I thought I’d give it a go” but it stands to reason, doesn’t it? Not because it’s logical, or a good marketing ploy, or because Alan Jones or Jackie O have the tiniest iota of taste in movies, but because it is the tragic and devastating truth that Australian people are stupid. Now, leaving aside the obvious fact that I am Australian and therefore this rule cannot apply to EVERYBODY, I will nevertheless provide you with a few short bits of evidence to show how quite overwhelmingly moronic and suggestible the Australian public can be:

1) Schnappi das Kleine Krokodil exists. And was successful enough to bring out a second single.

2) The Cronulla riots.

3) John Howard is in power.

4) Crazy Frog exists. And was successful enough to bring out a second AND A THIRD single AND AN ALBUM.

5) Australians continue to believe they can escape the drug sensors undetected at Indonesian airports.

6) Big Brother and Australian Idol are able to plan yet another series for 2006 and know that they will still be Channel Ten’s highest rating shows of the year.

7) Some people respect the opinion of Alan Jones and Jackie O.

And I know that all in all it does no good to complain apart from making me feel better having gotten needlessly angry and ranty about something trivial and completely unimportant. There will always be the mindless zombies out there, I mean if they didn’t exist, mass media itself wouldn’t exist. And that would be a terrible world in which to live, wouldn’t it? All I can say is that I think the message of The Lorax by Dr. Seuss rings ever more true, presented with these sad truths about human nature:

I said to the Lorax, “You poor stupid guy,
You never can tell what some people will buy”

What transpires, however, in this timeless and almost Orwellianly prescient work, is that it is not the Lorax himself who is poor and stupid but the whole damn lot of humanity. And so-

Let the coming apocalypse befall the cursèd heads of Alan Jones and Jackie O when we find ourselves astride a desolate and Godless rock, extinct and void of the beautiful Truffula Tree.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED