Public Toilet Etiquette
Before I begin today's rant, I should like to make it publicly known that this post is not in any way inspired or influenced by the recent spate of bombings, kidnappings and harming of innocent kittens that has followed my inability to post of late, but as I always stated, simply comes from my actually having something rant-worthy about which to rant for the first time in a long while. So, just in plain words to all those impatient hustlers out there, your insane schemes to intimidate me did not work, your lord and master Samuel has simply finally deigned to write to satisfy your plebeian thirst for drivel. Also, I'm really really really sorry I took so long to write and please don't hurt me *Sam cries and wets his pants in fear*
Anyway, down to business. Something that's always somewhat irked me but only recently has begun to actually piss me off to the point of mouth-foaming and complete stranger's head smashing with a ballpoint hammer is, as the title to this post would suggest, public toilet etiquette, or the lack thereof displayed by practically every male in existence.
Firstly, something which I've noticed for a very long time but seems to have only really become prevalent lately, is why does every single male, upon entering a public toilet, insist on clearing his throat in the most
disgustingly phlegmy way (in a room, let's not forget, with quite excellent acoustics) and hocking it into the toilet bowl? So okay, farbeit from me to complain about a place specifically designed to expel our bodies of substances in this way, but seriously, does everyone need to make such a public display of VOLUME as they do it? It's quite amazing but there are no exceptions to this rule - young and old, rich and poor, Caucasoid or Australoid, it's like the one thing that unites men across the world - no it's not Dr Martens boots - is making revolting throat noises in the bathroom.
I realise that in some respects this 'lack of bathroom etiquette' is in actual fact a triumph for otherwise public etiquette, in that it's no longer acceptable to spit in the street, but still, why the noise? I very rarely hear guys proudly displaying the noise produced by certain other activities that go on in there (in spite of what may have been mentioned in that pre-honours English tute recently) and honestly, I mean I know it's the most hygienic place to do it, it just astounds me that every time I enter a toilet, that's all I hear, over and over again - HWOOOOOOIK!
However, what really, really gives me the shits is nothing to do with hygiene but rather simple manners. This matter rather revolves around the use of cubicles in male toilets. This recently made me unutterably mad at Bondi Westfield when I was clearly waiting for one of the three cubicles, all of which were occupied, when this dude walked in and was about to head to the urinals when someone exited one of the cubicles, at which point this dude completely ignored me and wandered in...
Now when did it become the norm for males to want a cubicle to urinate? Honestly, the reason there exists such a thing as a urinal is that it is NOT genetically preordained for a member of the masculine gender to require sitting down when expelling urine. In fact, one of the greatest spots for male bonding is when two guys take adjacent spots at a urinal, each one takes a covert glance across, which is followed by either – a nod of respect from one to the other, or mutually between the two, or a sympathetic eyebrow raise – and from that moment on, an understanding is formed and a relationship exists. However, if you cloister yourself away in a cubicle, it’s either because you’re ashamed, or because you’d rather read graffiti that form alliances with other members of the male species. Either way it’s just plain antisocial, in more ways than one.
Because seriously, the reason it annoys me so much is because I don’t just use the public toilet, and cubicles in particular, for conventional purposes. I also use them as the setting where I give myself insulin shots. Call me crazy, but recently diagnosed as I am, I’m not entirely comfortable standing with people buzzing about me while I stab a needle into my flesh – and I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable with that. Besides, who seriously wants to see someone else doing it? It’d be like, ooh I don’t know, making everybody listen while you clear your throat of mucus… As in, it might seem perfectly normal to you but other people have their own views.
So all in all I’d actually say I have a medical reason for wanting a cubicle, not simply because I’m a little wuss boy who’s afraid of a male bonding ritual that goes back further than punching-each-other-in-the-head competitions. That means, and I’m singling you out, people who use the ground floor toilets at Carlingford Court near the chemist, you’re interfering with the treatment of a serious medical condition and if my feet fall off at the age of thirty because you’re too afraid to urinate next to someone else, I will personally come around and hack all your extraneous limbs off as compensation.
Stay tuned for my next series of toilet-related posts. Seriously.
Anyway, down to business. Something that's always somewhat irked me but only recently has begun to actually piss me off to the point of mouth-foaming and complete stranger's head smashing with a ballpoint hammer is, as the title to this post would suggest, public toilet etiquette, or the lack thereof displayed by practically every male in existence.
Firstly, something which I've noticed for a very long time but seems to have only really become prevalent lately, is why does every single male, upon entering a public toilet, insist on clearing his throat in the most
disgustingly phlegmy way (in a room, let's not forget, with quite excellent acoustics) and hocking it into the toilet bowl? So okay, farbeit from me to complain about a place specifically designed to expel our bodies of substances in this way, but seriously, does everyone need to make such a public display of VOLUME as they do it? It's quite amazing but there are no exceptions to this rule - young and old, rich and poor, Caucasoid or Australoid, it's like the one thing that unites men across the world - no it's not Dr Martens boots - is making revolting throat noises in the bathroom.
I realise that in some respects this 'lack of bathroom etiquette' is in actual fact a triumph for otherwise public etiquette, in that it's no longer acceptable to spit in the street, but still, why the noise? I very rarely hear guys proudly displaying the noise produced by certain other activities that go on in there (in spite of what may have been mentioned in that pre-honours English tute recently) and honestly, I mean I know it's the most hygienic place to do it, it just astounds me that every time I enter a toilet, that's all I hear, over and over again - HWOOOOOOIK!
However, what really, really gives me the shits is nothing to do with hygiene but rather simple manners. This matter rather revolves around the use of cubicles in male toilets. This recently made me unutterably mad at Bondi Westfield when I was clearly waiting for one of the three cubicles, all of which were occupied, when this dude walked in and was about to head to the urinals when someone exited one of the cubicles, at which point this dude completely ignored me and wandered in...
Now when did it become the norm for males to want a cubicle to urinate? Honestly, the reason there exists such a thing as a urinal is that it is NOT genetically preordained for a member of the masculine gender to require sitting down when expelling urine. In fact, one of the greatest spots for male bonding is when two guys take adjacent spots at a urinal, each one takes a covert glance across, which is followed by either – a nod of respect from one to the other, or mutually between the two, or a sympathetic eyebrow raise – and from that moment on, an understanding is formed and a relationship exists. However, if you cloister yourself away in a cubicle, it’s either because you’re ashamed, or because you’d rather read graffiti that form alliances with other members of the male species. Either way it’s just plain antisocial, in more ways than one.
Because seriously, the reason it annoys me so much is because I don’t just use the public toilet, and cubicles in particular, for conventional purposes. I also use them as the setting where I give myself insulin shots. Call me crazy, but recently diagnosed as I am, I’m not entirely comfortable standing with people buzzing about me while I stab a needle into my flesh – and I’m not sure I’ll ever be comfortable with that. Besides, who seriously wants to see someone else doing it? It’d be like, ooh I don’t know, making everybody listen while you clear your throat of mucus… As in, it might seem perfectly normal to you but other people have their own views.
So all in all I’d actually say I have a medical reason for wanting a cubicle, not simply because I’m a little wuss boy who’s afraid of a male bonding ritual that goes back further than punching-each-other-in-the-head competitions. That means, and I’m singling you out, people who use the ground floor toilets at Carlingford Court near the chemist, you’re interfering with the treatment of a serious medical condition and if my feet fall off at the age of thirty because you’re too afraid to urinate next to someone else, I will personally come around and hack all your extraneous limbs off as compensation.
Stay tuned for my next series of toilet-related posts. Seriously.
posted by Sean's Beard at 8:43 PM
5 Comments:
While we're on the topic, what's with (non-insulin injecting) guys who use a cubicle to urinate and insist on closing the door while they do so.
As if it's bad enough not to utilise our genetic advantage over the fairer sex when it comes to urination (i.e. the fact that we can just zip and flop without having to actually remove any clothes)! If I'm man enough to use those Carslaw toilets where while standing at the urinal, and the door opens someone can see me from outside quite happily, someone else should be man enough to go without the security of FOUR walls.
"I piss alone
I don't want nobody to know
That I haven't got the pressure of
Some of the other boys.
They make a noise that scares me"
A star for the origin of said quote.
i just wanted to say yay for new post!
have not got much to add on male public toilet etiquette...
Regurgitator - I Piss Alone, from Unit: Rebooted (Track 6). Yay! I get my first star! Don't deny my correctness.
Yay post! I have to say, that I think hacking up a great gob og phlegm and spitting it out might just be the least attractive of all bodily functions/actions. Ugh. I mean, really. Be a man: clear your throat and swallow.
I was going to make a weak joke about how there should be a rule that if you aren't man enough to do so, then you shouldn't be allowed to want other people to, but I decided not to sully your blog, Sam.
but what if you have a REALLY bad cold? huh? have you no pity?
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