Adolf Hitler uses "Jew-gon" brand Hydrogen Cyanide!

I don't know if anyone's noticed this, but in DVD stores these days... or at the very least, in the Virgin section of Myer - I haven't checked out any other DVD stores for a while - but the occasional DVD has a little sticker on the cover with a picture of Alan Jones and the caption "Alan Jones recommends" (or a very similar sticker, but with the name and visage of Jackie O instead).

Now, I have manifold, passionate and minutely detailed opinions about this newfound phenomenon, but to begin with I shall be succinct, brief and immediately to the point-

WHO

GIVES

A

FUCK

??????????

I mean honestly, who goes into a DVD shop, or a DVD section of a department store, and says "Gah, so many to choose from, if only I could have some guidance from an unenlightened dickhead celebrity with a brain the size of a male quark's left testicle?". I mean, what irritates me most is that it implies people who shop for DVDs are unable to make up their own minds. But what irritates me more-than-most is the further implication that a movie's merits alone aren't enough to warrant its buying... I mean one of the films emblazoned with one of these icons-of-evil is "E.T. The Extra Terrestrial" and are you seriously telling me that someone is likely to think "Hmm, ET... Sounds like a bit of a dodgy movie, but hey, Jackie O likes it, it MUST be good"

And this isn't something new, obviously; We all know it's been around for years and years, ever since the likes of James Dean et al. strode the planks of stardom and the 'celebrity' age was born, we have been brainwashed with this belief that what's good enough for some famous person is intrinsically, and without any need of evidence, self-testing or independent thought on behalf of a human being, the product to buy. Now admittedly, the average demographic of readers-of-my-blog are slightly more educated than people who would go and buy a tube of "E-Z Melt" glue after hearing Icarus testify that "I never use anything else" *Colgate smile*, so therefore I will bypass the two really obvious getters-of-Sam's-goat, namely the fact that A) It is with only the slightest amoeba of possibility, at best, that any celebrity actually has the foggiest idea which company it was who paid them ten trillion dollars to say "I heartily endorse this e-vent or product", and B) that Alan Jones and Jackie O, as ambassadors, are about as clever as the marketing manager of the Rolf Harris school of wobbleboard and about as effective as a “Quiet Please” sign at a Slipknot concert.

Instead, I will go on to mention the most galling and mind-boggling factor of all – that there are people out there who would actually be swayed by these stickers. I mean, I don’t know this for certain, I haven’t yet heard of people telling our Virgin employees, “Well you know, I’ve never heard of Gone with the Wind, but Alan Jones said it was worth a look if you enjoyed You Got Served. So I thought I’d give it a go” but it stands to reason, doesn’t it? Not because it’s logical, or a good marketing ploy, or because Alan Jones or Jackie O have the tiniest iota of taste in movies, but because it is the tragic and devastating truth that Australian people are stupid. Now, leaving aside the obvious fact that I am Australian and therefore this rule cannot apply to EVERYBODY, I will nevertheless provide you with a few short bits of evidence to show how quite overwhelmingly moronic and suggestible the Australian public can be:

1) Schnappi das Kleine Krokodil exists. And was successful enough to bring out a second single.

2) The Cronulla riots.

3) John Howard is in power.

4) Crazy Frog exists. And was successful enough to bring out a second AND A THIRD single AND AN ALBUM.

5) Australians continue to believe they can escape the drug sensors undetected at Indonesian airports.

6) Big Brother and Australian Idol are able to plan yet another series for 2006 and know that they will still be Channel Ten’s highest rating shows of the year.

7) Some people respect the opinion of Alan Jones and Jackie O.

And I know that all in all it does no good to complain apart from making me feel better having gotten needlessly angry and ranty about something trivial and completely unimportant. There will always be the mindless zombies out there, I mean if they didn’t exist, mass media itself wouldn’t exist. And that would be a terrible world in which to live, wouldn’t it? All I can say is that I think the message of The Lorax by Dr. Seuss rings ever more true, presented with these sad truths about human nature:

I said to the Lorax, “You poor stupid guy,
You never can tell what some people will buy”

What transpires, however, in this timeless and almost Orwellianly prescient work, is that it is not the Lorax himself who is poor and stupid but the whole damn lot of humanity. And so-

Let the coming apocalypse befall the cursèd heads of Alan Jones and Jackie O when we find ourselves astride a desolate and Godless rock, extinct and void of the beautiful Truffula Tree.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

Sam Reviews Public Toilets V: Macquarie Shopping Centre

I thought it high time, considering I haven't written about the places (and toilets) I frequent most outside of uni hours that I review:

Part V: Macquarie Shopping Centre (Food Court)
(Herring Road, North Ryde NSW)

Capacity

Very good. There are about eight cubicles and even during the busiest hours of the food court (which are even busier than the same hours at Carlingford), I've always been able to find a spare one. This is also the first toilet I've reviewed with individual urinals rather than a trough, and while I have no preference, it seems, for some God-unknown reason, that people actually prefer using these to troughs, and so it's not as common for people to use a cubicle for no reason other than male insecurity and shyness as in other places. 9/10

Cleanliness

Fairly poor. Although I never see people using the cubicles often, they really like to fuck around with the toilet paper and leave it lying everywhere. The floor is often quite wet as well - although this isn't quite as bad as in Manly, since I am usually wearing shoes when I'm in there. But considering the frequent rounds made by Macquarie cleaning staff, I think it could be better maintained, especially during quiet hours. 4/10

Washing Area

Good and bad. There are lots of taps (so many so that they stretch around a corner) and they're fairly easy to operate. But, as I have frequently become incensed at, all taps (and that means, for the whole centre, not just this particular toilet) spray out only hot water, which means it's really difficult to get a free drink. I personally think that's really poor form and is bordering on sociopathic by centre management. Okay and hurrah for encouraging enterprise by forcing people to buy cool drinks but I mean even the Horse & Jockey pub is legally required to provide cool drinking water if you ask. Plus they only have automatic dryers - and they're pretty hard to keep going. I remember the highlight of my week a couple of months ago was that I managed to keep one of these air dryers going until my hands were satisfactorily dry. 5/10

Tszujiness

Average. It's white and clean-looking but it's so early-nineties in its decor. It could seriously do with a Thom Felicia-style makeover (Although I'm not sure if he really does bathrooms). I mean, it's fine but there's just nothing attractive about it. It's just a toilet. And considering what all the Westfields are doing to their toilets, I'd say it's time for Macquarie to stick a crowbar into their wallet and renovate up. 3/10

Overall Satisfaction

Considering my main purpose in here these days is to shoot up, it's very good because capacity is what I care about. Otherwise it's pretty satisfying overall, I mean it's the sort of toilet you can use in a hurry when having lunch or something and be safe in the knowledge that you'll get a cubicle or urinal and you probably won't catch cholera. 6.5/10

Ranking in the Public Toilet System

1) Ryde RTA Motor Registry
-> 2) Macquarie Centre Food Court
3) Carlingford Court Ground Level
4) Manly Beach Surf Life Saving Building
5) Top Ryde Shopping Centre Food Court

Sam Reviews Public Toilets IV: Ryde RTA Motor Registry

Part IV: In the Ryde RTA Motor Registry
(Corner Blaxland & North Rds, Ryde NSW)

Capacity

Small, but I would say modest. While it's a busy place, it certainly isn't the first place you'd think of for a toilet to be and so therefore I would say it serves a minimal number of people and the one-person-wide trough and one cubicle is probably plenty for the number of users. 7/10

Cleanliness

Pretty good. I should make allowances for the fact that, as I said, not many people would use these, but nevertheless it's pretty well maintained. The smell is one thing I noticed, very well balanced and deodorized. 7/10

Washing Area

Only one tap, which could be a letdown but in my case it wasn't. Again, due to its lack of regular business I'd say, clean and free of any massive splashback. Hand towels for drying and a bin for safe disposal. I approve heartily. 7/10

Tszujiness

Well, meh. What can you expect? But I mean, even your average house can do better than this, but then they may entertain more often. This place isn't exactly a bag of laughs. 4/10

Overall Satisfaction

Considering I was in such a shitty mood at my treatment by the RTA staff and the way they like to make life all the more difficult for people with a medical condition, I was pretty well satisfied with these modest but nicely hygienic and welcoming toilets. 7/10

Ranking in the Public Toilet System

-> 1) Ryde RTA Motor Registry
2) Carlingford Court Ground Level
3) Manly Beach Surf Life Saving Building
4) Top Ryde Shopping Centre Food Court